Doing The Work of Byron Katie: A 21-Day Practice to Question Stressful Thoughts
(Doing "The Work" of Byron Katie)
Why This Matters
Most stress doesn’t come from your life.
It comes from the thoughts that you have about your life. And the kicker? Most of those thoughts are rarely true.
The story in your head causes more suffering than the reality on the ground.
We don’t question these stories. We reinforce them.
→ “They don’t respect me.”
→ “I’ll never get this right.”
→ “It’s too late.”
→ “I need this amount of money to be happy.”
→ “They shouldn't judge me.”
But here’s the truth:
If the thought in question is indeed happening,
we are having an argument with reality,
which is kind of crazy when framed like that.
What if you could catch those thoughts and question them
...before they take over?
That’s what The Work is for.
Four simple questions. One radical habit.
No tools, apps, or systems - just your awareness.
Byron Katie calls it “a way to identify and question the thoughts that cause all the suffering in the world.”
And once you learn it, you can’t unsee it.
This isn’t just emotional hygiene.
It’s a clarity practice. A leadership skill. A nervous system reset.
And it works.
Finding the Truth
I’ve done a lot of mindset work. Self-help books. Journaling. Workshops. Meditation.
But reading Byron Katie's Loving What Is and practicing The Work did something different.
It took a stressful, recurring thought I knew wasn’t helping me...
...and instead of replacing it, fighting it, or hiding from it, I questioned it.
“Sarah doesn't respect me.”
Then I asked the 4 questions.
1. Is it true?
2. Can I absolutely know it’s true?
3. How do I react when I believe that thought?
4. Who would I be without that thought?
Then the turnarounds (more on that later).
I wrote down my answers along with those to six supplementary questions -
such as, "In order for you to be happy in this situation, what do you nee him/her/them to think, say, feel, or do?"
And....nothing miraculous happened.
I still had the thought, even though I knew that it made me anxious and stressed.
But then something weird happened.
When the situation came up a couple of weeks later,
I was no longer identified with the thinking around it.
I just was...what it was.
Same situation, but it didn't cause stress, anxiety, or suffering.
The 21-Day “Do The Work” Challenge
This challenge helps you build the habit of questioning the thoughts that keep you stuck, cause stress, and make you suffer.
I found it most helpful to do one of these inquiries a day for three weeks, but by all means, go at your own pace.
Keep in mind that you likely have many different thoughts about a person, a situation, or yourself. Pace yourself and start with one, committing to 15 minutes to write. You can either continue or pick up where you left off the next day for another 15 minutes.
Do your best to keep it simple and not get into the weeds of "why" you are having this thought.
The Four Questions
Is it true?
This first question is very simple, yet profound. Looking at the statement you wrote, ask yourself honestly whether it’s true. Answer with a simple “yes” or “no,” without justification. For many people, the immediate reaction is “Of course it’s true! She really did disrespect me.” That’s fine, if your gut says yes, go on to question 2. If your honest answer is no (sometimes you might instantly realize the thought isn’t entirely true), then you can skip to question 3. The key is to let go of rationalizations and feel into whether the statement holds true. Example: “Sara doesn’t respect me...is that true?” You might initially answer, “Yes, it feels true because of how she acted.”
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
This second question asks you to probe a bit deeper. If you answered yes to Q1 (you believe the thought is true), ask yourself: Is it absolutely, 100% true in an all-knowing sense? How can you be sure? This is not about trivial doubt, but rather seeing that our certainties often aren’t as solid as we think. Perhaps we don’t have all the information. Can I absolutely know for sure that Sarah doesn’t respect me? Well, not really. I don’t have access to her inner feelings so it’s my assumption. Often, this question opens a crack in the conviction behind the thought.
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
This third question lets you observe the effects of believing the stressful thought. Close your eyes, focus on the situation, and imagine yourself fully believing the thought in that moment. Then introspect on what that belief does to you: How do you feel emotionally and physically? How do you behave toward the other person, and toward yourself, when you hold that thought? Byron Katie provides some guidance here and suggests noticing things like: “What images or memories do you see (replaying past incidents or imagining future fears) and what emotions arise with those images? How do you treat the other person when you believe that thought? How do you treat yourself? Do any obsessions or addictive behaviors (e.g. overeating, shutting down, lashing out) kick in as you hold that thought? In short, question 3 is about witnessing the internal chain reaction that the belief triggers in you.
Who would you be without that thought?
Finally, question four asks you to imagine yourself in the same situation, but without the thought. If you could magically remove that belief from your mind at that moment, how would you feel and behave instead? Close your eyes and take time with this. Byron Katie often suggests, “Look at the person or situation again, without the thought, and see what is different.” Maybe without the thought, you’d simply see your friend talking enthusiastically, and you wouldn’t take it as a personal insult. You might feel calm or even amused, or you might simply ask for a turn to speak, but without anger. This question helps reveal a glimpse of reality unclouded by your painful belief. It often brings a sense of relief or peace, even if fleeing, a hint that the thought is optional.
The Turnarounds
After investigating your original statement with the four questions, there’s one more powerful step: “Turn it around.” A turnaround means you take the original thought and find its opposites – alternative statements that could also be true (or even truer) than the original thought. The idea is to experience a shift in perspective by literally reversing the thought and seeing what insights that offers.
Common types of turnarounds include: turning the statement to the self, to the other, and to the direct opposite. Not every statement will have all three forms, but many do. For example, the thought “Sarah doesn’t respect me” can be turned around in these ways:
To the self: “I don’t respect myself.”
To the other: “I don’t respect Sarah.”
To the opposite: “Sarah does respect me.”
Take a moment with each turned-around statement. At first, some of them might not make sense or might even sound absurd. That’s okay – you only work with the turnarounds that resonate as meaningful...or truthful. You are looking for genuine insights, not trying to force yourself to believe something better. Often, at least one turnaround will produce an “aha” moment, revealing something you hadn’t considered.
“I don’t respect myself” – In what ways might this be as true or truer than “Sarah doesn’t respect me”? Perhaps I realize I wasn’t respecting myself by not speaking up when I was interrupted. Or I see that I often mentally beat myself up, which is a lack of self-respect. This perspective shifts the focus to how I treat myself.
“I don’t respect Sarah” – Is there truth in this? I did label her as rude and uncaring; in that moment I had no respect for her viewpoint or situation (maybe she was having a bad day). I interrupted her in my mind by assuming she was just being mean. I wasn’t showing understanding or respect towards her either.
“Sarah does respect me” – Could this be true? I recall that she often asks for my opinion and has been there for me in tough times – signs of respect. In the specific situation, maybe her interruption wasn’t meant to dismiss me; maybe she even thought she was connecting with me by sharing her thoughts. It’s possible that she does value me, and my assumption was exaggerated.
For each turnaround that feels meaningful, find at least three specific examples of how that turned-around statement is true in the same. This step is grounds the turnaround in reality rather than leaving it as a theory. Finding genuine examples might be tough, but when you do, it can really create a shift. You'll start to train your mind to see the situation from a different angle.
Letting it All Sink In
As I did this over three weeks, something powerful started to happen: the sting of the original thought diminished, and a more balanced understanding emerged. The turnaround is not about blaming yourself or trading one judgment for another. For instance, saying “I don’t respect myself” is not meant to make you feel guilty or pile on self-criticism. Rather, it’s about taking back your power, seeing that you are not just a victim of others’ behavior; you have agency in how you treat yourself and others.
When you start to see alternative truths, it also opens up a possible change in perspective and an opportunity to find peace. For many, this results in a feeling of forgiveness or release. Instead of solely resenting Sara, I may now feel compassion for both her and myself, and communicate more honestly about the issue.
Clarity Is a Skill - Not a Personality Trait
There's good reason to call this "The Work." Questioning your own thoughts isn't always easy or pleasant, but kind of like the feeling after a good cry, there's often a flood of peace and calm after the practice.
Several studies on The Work (also called Inquiry-Based Stress Reduction) show it can significantly reduce stress, anxiety, and depression while increasing well-being and emotional resilience. A 2022 randomized trial even found long-term boosts in self-acceptance, autonomy, and peace of mind.
The Work doesn’t tell you what to believe.
It helps you see what’s actually there, underneath the belief.
“Defense is the first act of war. If you feel defensive, you’re at war. Just notice.”
Byron Katie
And when you’re no longer at war with reality?
You get your power back.
So try it if you like. One thought at a time.
Because the most powerful mindset shift you can make isn’t to believe a better story.
It’s to question the one that’s hurting you.
Byron Katie has tons of free workbook downloads, and the I highly recommend the audio version of Loving What is.
Find your next edge,
Eli
